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But I got a weird phone call last week from someone asking me if John-the-Narc had indeed been a director of my company last year. I was instantly suspicious. Some stranger calling in to ask about John could easily have been planted by John, and I want absolutely nothing to do with him, ever again!
But it turned out to be another small business owner who has had John working in his company for the past 6 months. And pretty much the same thing that happened to me, happened to him. I'm not going to put the details here on this blog because I do live in fear that John will try and stalk me again at some stage and may find his way here, and I don't want to incur even more abuse from him than I've already endured. But the short story is again one of horrible psychological abuse and battery, weaseling himself (and his ex-wife) onto the payroll, and money that goes missing. I feel so sorry for these people. Even though they only endured 6 months of what I bore for 5 years, they're still pretty cut up. And bent on revenge.
So he's back with his ex-wife. Sort of. Not living with her, but definitely sleeping with her: controlling her with sex, which we can tell from his emails. It's the typical Narc strategy, of course, heading back to old supply and using them for while as a financial base before they head off on their next conquest. Or, of course, running parallel conquests. He's going to destroy her soon too - this latest fraud of his will most likely mean she'll lose her licence to practice as a psychologist. Stupid woman. Or battered and abused woman. Like me. I can't tell. She has been telling these people that I am an evil woman, and that I am single-handedly responsible for breaking up their marriage. She's a Narc too, I think. So I have no idea whether these things spew from her because she loves making up her own stories about what a victim she is, or whether he has filled her head with lies to make him look good and me look bad. Fact is that he walked into my company exactly one month after she discovered that he was having another affair with another woman. And has been cheating on her AND me with other women too, like Debbie. Who she doesn't know about yet. But somehow she can also make it my fault. Whatever.
How do I feel about him sleeping with his wife again? Irritated. Irritated that she buckled and took him back and allowed him to get some more Narc supply from her. She's a shrink herself. And should know better. But, not my story. I'm not sad. And actually I'd rather not know anything about him any more, because the moment I hear new bits of information, which have been coming at me fast and furious this week, I just feel angry. And quite impotent. So many things he's told his new 'employers' about me which are just horrible and unnecessary and unkind lies. And so damaging to my reputation in a way that is completely unfounded. And he's told them often how he wants to take me down. Send out damaging emails that destroy me, my family, my reputation and my company. And, short of taking him on in court to fight for money I will probably never see, even if I get a court judgement against him, there isn't really an effective vehicle for me to fix this balance of 'victimness'. Except, of course, supporting these new people in their lawsuit. Which I will most definitely do. And stand on the sidelines and cheer while I watch them take him down!
I keep imagining showdowns with him, where a few of my favourite men and I show up and surround him, and threaten him. And they rough him up a bit. And hold him still so I can punch and kick him until I have my fill. And then they tell him that if ANYTHING ever happens to me or anyone in my family, or business, they will be back to finish the job, no matter how long it takes. Some of my special men have already offered to do just that for me. I've declined their offers so far...
But these revenge fantasies actually just put me in a negative and sad frame of mind - they don't really help me recover, or move away from the situation. Somehow they keep me connected and feeding into it. Or off it. Or something. I know the very best thing for me is to close down those thoughts every time I enter my head. And replace them with happier things. So I've resolved to do that as from today. No more long simulated conversations with him or his horrible ex wife. No defending myself to them, even in my imagination. Just more of an ongoing 'banishing' process where I continue to shed them and their sordid bullshit from my life!
I've lost 3kg in the past week. And my appetite is almost non existent. I have no idea whether that's because of the deep emotional upheaval that must be stirred up at a time like this, or whether it's because, at the same time, I'm falling a little bit in love with Charlie. Well, in crush, rather, for now. Both of those things could easily make the appetite disappear. And how wonderful for me that Charlie has appeared right at this time. If I was completely alone, with no happy prospects on the horizon, I might have found this New Discovery week incredibly hard to survive. But Charlie has most definitely buffered me through the week and, even if that turns out to be the sole purpose of him in my life, even that is enough.
How interesting, these things that make us resilient!
